I couldn’t do it. I’m a coward. I’ve researched some methods and the quickest most painless is either jumping off a high-rise building or cyanide tabs. I’ve tried the first one, but I cowered, and I thought I don’t want to cause trouble to anybody when I die, I just want to exit quietly. The second one is just unavailable. Overdose of sleeping pills might do it but they need prescription. Concocting poison myself might be ineffective, what if it isn’t strong enough and I don’t die? I can’t buy a pistol from where I live.
My original plan is to take my life when I reached 40-50, that’s the time when I stopped being a productive member of the society. But things changed.
I am 27. I am educated, have a monotonous job that pays enough. Most of my earnings I send to my parents who are alone and very old, I just keep something that’s enough for myself, enough to survive the month and to buy things that will momentarily keep me happy. For the last 6 years I have also been alone, I eat alone, go out and watch movies alone. I do everything myself, for myself. I exercise every morning, take vitamins, go to work everyday, go home and surf the net, sleep. I go to church every weekend, chat with my parents, mingle with friends. I read & finish a book every month, move to another, learn something new, move to another. That’s about it about me, except that I never had a girl my entire life, never had sex my entire life, and I know the reason.
Shallow as it may sound , but for me, it is a very deep flaw. I am underweight and my genital is undersized, and it is a fact.
I’ve already known for a while that this flaw may cause a problem for me, my self-esteem. That’s why I started a program about a year ago. I asserted myself that I will bulk up. I’ve consulted a professional. I started a six meal program everyday, started a jelqing program, bought some enhancement pills, did everything rigorously to improve; as much as I could afford.
Things didn’t go very well, I could barely see the results. I asked another doctor, he said that the reason is both heredity and the nature of my job which is sedentary. I said that I could do nothing about my genes, and about my job, I said that programming is all that I know and I love to do. He said that I should be more confident and that size is unimportant and he said that I’m not ugly. I don’t really worry about my looks, my biggest concern is pleasing a woman sexually, and “being able to protect her”.
I didn’t stop the program, but I followed his advice, I started dating some women. At first it was good, the feeling was good. Women seemed to like me. But things just went as far as dating, kissing, but no sex, no real relationship. Until this girl came.
Don’t know how to describe her. For me she’s the most beautiful girl, smart, kind-hearted, decent, sexy. At first I thought she was also attracted to me, when we’re together, she really likes to cling to my arms, she always smiles at me, she laughs at my jokes, we like the same things, listen to the same music, she is perfect and I was resolved that I am going to ask her to marry me.
Last week, I learned that she got back with her ex.
The bite didn’t sink at first, my mind didn’t accept. I want to know for sure so I confronted her, she confessed. She was very honest. She wasn’t that cruel, but she admitted that she never felt any attraction; I know she meant sexual attraction, for me. I cried that day, but hey it’s just life, it’s not the end of the world. I talked to her bf, who is a big guy, good-looking, intelligent, nice, with a good job, told him how lucky he is. I should have punched him and provoked him, so that he could snap my neck, then I wouldn’t be asking this question.
I was so f***ing stupid. I already know this is going to happen. The doctor lied. SIZE does matter, and yes, women have a certain instinct to determine whether a man could please them sexually. I don’t know why I believed a lie, I guess maybe it’s because I don’t believe in the measures of society. I forgot that male dominance doesn’t only apply to society; it extends to the whole animal kingdom. BIG males get the females, the territory. The thing about size doesn’t matter and it all boils down to performance in bed, and about true love and all, is a big pile of BS. NORMAL sex is a part of healthy relationship. I should have consulted a whore instead, but I was raised a Christian. Priesthood? Too late now.
Social status, pheromone levels, good genes and hormones, phallus size, dominance, intelligence, these are what’s important for a man in this so called life. But I couldn’t say I didn’t see it coming. I knew this already, and I know didn’t have them, that’s why I marked 40-50 as my end, yet, I give some chance to this stupid…, I don’t know what to call it. The past few days, I seek reason to get up; I just seek comfort in thought that billions have broken hearts as well. A